Wild Cards V: Down and Dirty Read online

  “You heal real fast, don’t you?” Croyd said. “In minutes, even. I remember now.”

  “That’s right.”

  “Can you grow a new arm if I tear one off?”

  “I don’t know, and I’d rather not find out. Look, I’ve heard you’re a psycho and I believe it. I’d tell you if I knew. I don’t enjoy regenerating. But all I did was a lousy contract hit. I’ve got no idea who’s on top.”

  Croyd reached out with both hands, catching hold of Demise’s wrists.

  “Breaking you up may not do much good,” he observed, “but there’s still room for subtlety. Ever have any electroshock therapy? Try this.”

  When Demise stopped jerking, Croyd released his wrists. When he could speak again, Demise said, “I still can’t tell you. I don’t know.”

  “So let’s lose a few more neurons,” Croyd suggested.

  “Cool it a minute,” Demise said. “I never learned the names of any of the big guys. Never meant dick to me. Still don’t. All I know is this guy named Eye—a joker. He just has one big eye and he wears a monocle in it. He met me once, in Times Square, gave me a hit and paid me. That’s all that matters. You know how it is. You freelance yourself.”

  Croyd sighed. “Eye? Seems I’ve heard of him someplace or other. Where can I get hold of the guy?”

  “I understand he hangs around Club Dead Nicholas. Plays cards there awhile on Friday nights. Kept meaning to go by and kill the fucker, but I never got around to it. Cost me a foot.”

  “‘Club Dead Nicholas’?” Croyd said. “I don’t believe I know that one.”

  “Used to be Nicholas King’s Mortuary, near Jokertown. Serves food and booze, has music and a dance floor, gambling in a back room. Just opened recently. Kind of Halloween motif. Too morbid for my taste.”

  “Okay,” Croyd said. “I hope you’re not bullshitting me, Demise.”

  “That’s all I got.”

  Croyd nodded slowly. “It’ll do.” He released the other and backed away. “Maybe then I can rest,” he said. “Subtle. Real subtle.” He picked up Demise’s package and put it in his arms. “Here. Don’t forget your stuff. Better watch your step too. It’s getting slippery.” He continued to back away, muttering to himself, up the street, to the corner. Then he turned again and was gone.

  Sinking to a seated position on the stoop, Demise cracked open a fifth and took a long swallow.

  Jesus Was an Ace

  by Arthur Byron Cover

  In these times of trouble and dark travail; in this fertile land where the handiwork of Satan is on the verge of bearing fruit: you don’t need to pussyfoot with Marx; or stick your nose in Freud; you don’t need the help of liberals like Tachyon; you don’t need to open yourself up to anyone but Jesus—because he was the first and the greatest ace of them all!

  —REVEREND LEO BARNETT

  I

  THERE ARE A FEW blocks or so between Jokertown and the Lower East Side that nats and virus victims alike call the Edge. No one knows which group originated the term, but it applies equally to either side. A joker might think of the place as the edge of New York, a nat as the edge of Jokertown.

  People come to the Edge for the same reasons why some people watch a slasher movie, or see a good speed metal rock concert, or get wasted on the designer drug in fashion at the moment. They come to the Edge drawn by the illusion of danger, a safe, fleeting illusion that gives them something to talk about at parties attended by people too timid to go to the Edge themselves.

  The young preacher thought about that as he watched the television news team wandering the street below through the bathroom window of the cheap hotel room he had rented for the night, though he had intended to use it for only a few hours. The team consisted of a male reporter in a coat and tie, a Minicam operator, and a sound man; the reporter was stopping pedestrians, nats and jokers alike, jabbing his microphone into their faces and trying to get them to say something. For a long, torturous moment the young preacher was afraid his tryst with Belinda May was the story the news team was searching for, but he comforted himself with the notion that the news team no doubt prowled this vicinity routinely. After all, where else did they have a better chance of finding a strong visual lead-in for the eleven o’clock news? The young preacher didn’t like to think sinful thoughts, but under the circumstances he relished the hope the news team would be distracted by a spectacular auto accident a few blocks away, with lots of visual flair in the form of fire and crumpled hoods—but with no fatalities, of course.

  The young preacher let the flimsy white curtain drop. He finished his business and while washing his hands with quick, efficient motions, stared at his cadaverous reflection in the mirror over the rust-stained sink. Was he really that unhealthy, or was his pale, yellowish complexion only the result of the unshielded glare of the two naked light bulbs above the mirror? The young preacher was a blond, blue-eyed man just turned thirty-five, with handsome features dominated by high cheekbones and a dimpled, square chin. Right now he was stripped down to a white T-shirt, light-blue boxer shorts, and socks. He perspired profusely. It was definitely hot in here, but he hoped to make it a lot hotter real soon now.

  Even so, he couldn’t help but feel out of place in this tacky little hotel room, with this particular woman who just happened to be one of the key staff members of his new Jokertown mission. Not that he was inexperienced. He had done it many times before, with many kinds of women, in rooms like this one. The women had done it because he was famous, or had felt good listening to his sermons, or wanted to feel closer to God. Occasionally, when he himself was having a little difficulty feeling close to God, they’d done it for money, the payments having been arranged by a trustworthy member of his most intimate circle. A few women had foolishly believed they were in love with him, a delusion he generally shattered without much trouble, but only after satiating their carnal desires.

  But nothing in the young preacher’s experience had quite prepared him for a woman such as Belinda May, who apparently was here for the sheer joy of it. He wondered if Belinda May’s attitude was typical of unmarried big-city Christian women. Where in the world is Jesus going to come from, he thought, when the time arrives for him to return again?

  He opened the door to the bedroom and, before he had taken a single step outside, received the shock of his life. Belinda May sat cross-legged on the bed, smoking a cigarette, as pretty as you please but as naked as a jaybird. He’d expected to see her naked, of course, but not right away. And even then, he’d thought she’d be discreetly under the sheets.

  “About time you showed up,” she said. She stubbed out her cigarette and stepped into his arms before he could take a breath. Now he knew how a frying pan felt on a hot stove. She clung to him as if she wanted to pull herself into his body. He was unbelievably aroused by the sensation of her breasts pressed against his chest, and by the way she had mounted his thigh, rubbing against it as if she were trying to sit on the bone. Her tongue was like an eel exploring his mouth. One hand was under his T-shirt, the other down his shorts, caressing his buttocks.

  “Hmmm, you taste good,” Belinda May whispered in his ear after what seemed like an eternity in a place that was an eerie combination of the stratospheres of heaven and the lower levels of hell. No doubt about it, Belinda May was more sexually aggressive than the kind of woman he was used to. “Come on, let’s go to bed,” she whispered, taking him by the hands and pulling him along. She climbed on the bed, got on her knees, and directing him to stand beside the bed, gently placed his right hand smack onto her pussy.

  Though the young preacher experienced a deep and abiding satisfaction every time his foreplay brought her to orgasm, he felt strangely disjointed from the entire affair, as if he was watching the scene through a one-way mirror in the wall. Very self-consciously he wondered anew what he was doing in this dive, with its paint peeling off its badly plastered walls, those tacky lamps, the bed with creaky springs, and that television set staring at him with an unsleeping eye.
He regretted going along with Belinda May’s request that they pick a room here, at the Edge, to engage in their encounter. It disturbed him to think that in some part of his soul he so closely resembled the people who routinely came to the Edge in search of a safe chance to take. The young preacher wanted to believe God had already filled the important voids in his heart.

  However, Belinda May’s accessible beauty disturbed him on a deeper level than did his instrusive self-doubts. Gently he pushed her down, and with a strange thrill, not unlike the one he had experienced as a youth the first time he’d knelt alone before an altar, he noted how her blond hair was spread out over the pillow like the wings of an angel. She squirmed beguilingly as he kissed her ear and moved down to lick her neck. He moved down further to kiss her breasts and felt a renewed surge of heat in his scalp as she signaled the measure of her passion by running her hands through his hair and groaning softly. Then he was down at her stomach, running his tongue around the edges of her belly button—an outie—with what he hoped was a delicate, masterful touch. He was gratified beyond his capacity to understand when she at last spread her legs wide apart, an invitation he accepted almost instantly, burying his face and licking her with pagan ferocity. Never had he known a woman to taste so good. Never had he desired so fervently to serve another, instead of being served. Never had he worshiped so humbly, so eagerly at the altar of love. Never had he so gladly debased himself, or so wantonly.…

  “Leo?” said Belinda May, moving back on her elbows. “Is something the matter?”

  The young preacher rose onto his elbows and looked down between his legs, where his male member hung as limp as a man on a noose. O Lord, why have you forsaken me? He thought forlornly, reining in a childish urge to panic. He smiled sheepishly, looked past the altar with its still wide-open invitation, past her sweat-drenched body and those glistening breasts, to her sweetly smiling face. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just not with it tonight.”

  Belinda May pouted and stretched as innocently and as naturally as if she’d been alone. “Too bad. Is there anything I can do to help?”

  For the next few seconds the young preacher weighed several factors in his mind, most of them having to do with the proper balance between frankness and delicate diplomacy. In the end he decided she would respond well to frankness, but he wasn’t sure how much he could get away with. He smiled wolfishly. “Think you’d like to something to eat?”

  His life passed before his eyes as she swung her left leg over his head, climbed off the bed, and exclaimed, “What a great idea! There’s a sushi bar across the street! You can buy me dinner!” Her buttocks bounced enticingly as she disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She turned on the water faucet and then, apparently before commencing her business, opened the door and stuck out her head just long enough to say, “Then we can come back here and try again.”

  The young preacher was speechless. He rolled over and stared at the ceiling, the random pattern of the intersecting cracks there enigmatically symbolic of his entire existence at this juncture. He sighed heavily. At least the possibility that the roving news team outside would discover his tryst was no longer the worst thing that could happen to him.

  Now, the worst thing would be if they discovered he hadn’t been able to get it up.

  In that case, the damage done to his political ambitions would be incalculable. The American people were willing to forgive any number of sins in a presidential candidate, but at the very least they expected their sinners to be good at it.

  “You really have a good pair of hands, you know that?” called out Belinda May from the bathroom.

  Terrific, thought Leo Barnett, clinging to the precipice of despair with progressively weaker force. Bye-bye, White House; hello, Heaven.

  II

  Tonight he felt the city inside him, and he was inside it. He felt its steel and mortar and brick and stone and marble and glass, felt his organs touching the various buildings and places of Jokertown as their atoms phased in (and out) on their way (and back again) across the planes of reality. His molecules grazed the clouds swirling toward the city like an incoming black cotton tide; they mingled with air pregnant with moisture and the promise of more moisture to come, they trembled with the vibrations of distant thunder. Tonight he felt inexorably linked with Jokertown’s past and future; the coming rainstorm would differ in no way from the last one, and would be exactly the same as the next. Just as the steel and the mortar were constant, the brick and stone forever, and the marble and glass immortal. So long as the city remained so, however tenuously, would he.

  His name was Quasiman. Once he had had another name, but all he could remember about his previrus self was that he had been an explosives expert. Currently he was a caretaker of the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Misery, and of him Father Squid relished saying, time and time again, “The bomb squad’s loss has been the God squad’s gain.”

  Usually it was all Quasiman could do to remember those bare facts, because the atoms of his brain, like those in the rest of his body, constantly, randomly, phased in and out of reality, soaring to extradimensional realms and snapping back again. This had the dual effect of making him more than a genius, and less than an idiot. Most days Quasiman considered it a victory to keep himself in one piece.

  Tonight maintaining even that modest goal was going to prove more difficult than usual. Blood and thunder were in the air. Tonight Quasiman was going to the Edge.

  As he reached the door at the top of the stairs leading to the roof of the cheapjack apartment building where he lived, portions of his brain glanced off the immediate future. Already he felt cool night air, saw distant flashes of lightning, felt rooftop gravel crunch beneath the soles of his tennis shoes, and saw an old bag lady, a joker, sleeping beside a warm-air duct, her belongings beside her in a cart she had pulled up the fire escape.

  The intersection between present and future became stronger and more vivid the instant he actually touched the doorknob, and becoming stronger still once he turned it. Quasiman was used to this sort of minor precognition by now. For him the different levels of time constantly clashed together like discordant cymbals. Long ago he had accepted the only conclusion possible from living in such a mindworld: Reality was just the fragments of a dream shattered before the dawn of being.

  Future and present merged seamlessly as he stepped through the doorway. The lightning flashes and the gravel underfoot and the sleeping old woman were there, as he had known they would be. What he hadn’t envisioned was the creaking of the door’s rusty hinges, screeching like a buzz saw cutting through nails over the steady hum of the automobile traffic below, startling the old woman from her uneasy sleep. She had brown scaly skin, and the face of a furless rat. Her lips drew back and exposed sharp white fangs. “Who the fuck are you?” she demanded with false bravado.

  He ignored her. A hunchbacked man with an unbending left hip, he shuffled to the building’s ledge with the efficient grace of a dancer permanently engrossed in a sick, satirical joke.

  Without the slightest hesitation he stepped off the ledge.

  The old woman, mistakenly believing he was committing suicide, screamed. Quasiman didn’t care.

  He was too busy doing what he always did after stepping off a bulding: he willed himself to where he wished to be.

  Time and space folded about him. In the following instant his rapidly fading intellect fought hard to hold on to his own self-image. For an enduring nanosecond he almost became lost in the fluidity of the cosmos. But he maintained, and when that moment ended, he was in an alley in the Edge.

  He was one second closer to the thunder, one step closer to the blood, one event closer to the final blackout.

  III

  Tonight was the night of Vito’s big break. The Man never would have instructed him to come along on this little excursion to the Edge if he hadn’t already indicated his ability to handle responsibility. Of course that also meant Vito was a mite expendable, but that was o
kay, it came with the territory. You had to take risks if you wanted to move up in the Calvino Family.

  And lately there had been a lot of openings in the Family hierarchy. Vito, an ambitious youngster, hoped to survive long enough to rise a few notches, just high enough to get somebody else to take the more obvious risks.

  Unfortunately a truce of some sort seemed likely, if there was any truth to the scuttlebutt he had picked up from a few of the boys while he was busy waxing the Man’s limo. Evidently the Man planned to hash over some important business with one of the high mucky-muck jokers pulling the strings on all the hits that had decimated the Five Families recently.

  Some joker named Wyrm, yeah, that’s his name, thought Vito tensely as he walked down a sidewalk in the middle of the Edge, weaving through a flood of tourists and jokers and maybe even a few aces. He checked out the street scene for potential trouble. It wasn’t his job—that was to walk into the lobby of the cheap dive just ahead and pick up the key to the room where the Man and the joker had agreed to meet—but he couldn’t help hoping he’d notice something significant in the security area anyway, so the Man and the boys would maybe consider him a little less expendable.

  Stepping into the lobby, however, Vito felt like a blind bear walking into a campsite full of hunters. Trying to keep his posture straight and his jaw tightly set, the way he’d seen the boys do while rousting some welsher, he strode up to the registry counter and slammed his palm on it with what he hoped was an authoritative air. “I’m here for one of your, ah, most important customers,” he said with an unfortunate crack in his voice.

  The clerk, a seedy old man with white hair and a black eyepatch, probably some joker passing for nat, barely looked up from the girly magazine he was reading. The back of the cover heralded some joker fetish article, and in the blurry photo some beefy dude straddled a creature with gorgeous, lusty eyes, but who otherwise resembled a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream with skinny arms and legs and tiny hands and feet. The clerk nonchalantly turned a page.