The Wit & Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister Read online

  The Wit and Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2013 by George R. R. Martin

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Bantam Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

  BANTAM BOOKS and the HOUSE colophon are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.

  eBook ISBN: 978-0-345-53914-4

  Hardcover ISBN: 978-0-345-53912-0

  Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper

  www.bantamdell.com

  Interior design by Foltz Design

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  On Being a Dwarf

  On the Power of Words

  On Romance

  On Family Values

  On the Human Condition

  On Music

  On Food and Drink

  On Kingship

  On Realpolitik

  The Art of War

  The Art of Saving Your Skin

  The Art of Lying

  On Dragons and Other Myths

  On Religion

  Other Books by This Author

  About the author

  On Being a Dwarf

  * * *

  All dwarfs are bastards in their father’s eyes.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  What joy to be a dwarf.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I was born. I lived. I am guilty of being a dwarf, I confess it. And no matter how many times my good father forgave me, I have persisted in my infamy.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  Whatever you wear, you’re still a dwarf. You’ll never be as tall as that knight on the steps, him with his long straight legs and hard stomach and wide manly shoulders.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  I have been called many things, but giant is seldom one of them.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  The only thing more pitiful than a dwarf without a nose is a dwarf without a nose who has no gold.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  Pissing is the least of my talents.

  You ought to see me shit.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  No one fears a dwarf.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  I’m short, not blind.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  Do you think I might stand taller in black?

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I am malformed, scarred, and small, but … abed, when the candles are blown out, I am made no worse than other men. In the dark, I am the Knight of Flowers.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  Dwarfs are a jape of the gods, but men make eunuchs.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  They say I’m half a man. What does that make the lot of you?

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  The gods must have been drunk when they got to me.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I only need half my wits to be a match for you.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I had dreamt enough for one small life. And of such follies: love, justice, friendship, glory. As well dream of being tall.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  It may be good luck to rub the head of a dwarf, but it is even better luck to suck on a dwarf’s cock.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  On the Power of Words

  * * *

  My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer, and I have my mind … and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Duck has his sword, I my quill and parchment.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re only telling the world that you fear what he might say.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  Sleep is good. And books are better.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  Let them see that their words can cut you, and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it, make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Guard your tongue before it digs your grave.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  Words are wind.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  On Romance

  * * *

  Shy maids are my favorite sort. Aside from wanton ones … but sometimes the ugliest ones are the hungriest once abed.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  My own father could not love me. Why would you if not for gold?

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I plant my little seeds just as often as I can.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  With whores, the young ones smell much better, but the old ones know more tricks.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I would prefer a whore who is reasonably young, with as pretty a face as you can find. If she has washed sometime this year, I shall be glad. If she hasn’t, wash her.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Sleep with Lollys? I’d sooner cut it off and feed it to the goats.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  Your Grace, if you take my tongue, you will leave me no way at all to pleasure this sweet wife you gave me.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  A dwarf’s cock has magical powers.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  On Family Values

  * * *

  A Lannister always pays his debts.

>   * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  I never bet against my family.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I should say something, but what? Pardon me, Father, but it’s our brother she wants to marry.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  Kinslaying is dry work. It gives a man a thirst.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  Have no fear, I won’t kill you, you are no kin of mine.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  The man who kills his own blood is cursed forever in the sight of gods and men.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Kinslaying was not enough, I needed a cunt and wine to seal my ruin.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I have never liked you, Cersei, but you were my own sister, so I never did you harm. You’ve ended that. I will hurt you for this. I don’t know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you’ll know the debt is paid.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  On the Human Condition

  * * *

  The gods are blind.

  And men see only what they wish.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what’s on the other side?

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  I think life is a jape.

  Yours, mine, everyone’s.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  There has never been a slave who did not choose to be a slave. Their choice may be between bondage and death, but the choice is always there.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  An honest kiss, a little kindness, everyone deserves that much, however big or small.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  Every fool loves to hear that he’s important.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  A little honest loathing might be refreshing, like a tart wine after too much sweet.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  We all need to be mocked from time to time, lest we start to take ourselves too seriously.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Men are such faithless creatures.

  * * *

  —A Clash of Kings

  * * *

  Age makes ruins of us all.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  We are all going to die.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  On Music

  * * *

  Never believe anything you hear in a song.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  * * *

  I have killed mothers, fathers, nephews, lovers, men and women, kings and whores. A singer once annoyed me, so I had the bastard stewed.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  If I am ever Hand again, the first thing I’ll do is hang all the singers.

  * * *

  —A Storm of Swords

  On Food and Drink

  * * *

  I’ve heard the food in hell is wretched.

  * * *

  —A Dance with Dragons

  * * *

  I am not fond of eating horse.

  Particularly my horse.

  * * *

  —A Game of Thrones

  * * *

  Being randy is the next best thing to being drunk.

  * * *